Learning To Trust Yourself: The Psychology Of Honest Decisions And Self Trust

One of the most important relationships we have in life is the one we have with ourselves. Yet, for many people, that relationship is surprisingly difficult. Every day I have clients in my office who have to make significant life decisions that can be anxiety triggering, maybe even paralyzing. In these situations, my emphasis with them is to be honest and trust themselves. This is easier said than done.

We can be honest with friends, family, coaches, teachers, coworkers, and even therapists while avoiding some of the most important truths about ourselves. We may know we are unhappy but tell ourselves we should be grateful. We may know we need to change but keep waiting for the “right time.” We may make a decision and then immediately question whether it was the right one. We may ask five people for advice, hoping that someone will finally give us enough certainty to feel comfortable with a decision we already know we need to make. This is where self-trust becomes important.

Self-trust does not mean believing that every thought, feeling, or decision we have is automatically correct. It means developing enough confidence in ourselves to listen honestly to our internal experience, evaluate information realistically, make thoughtful decisions, and tolerate the possibility that we may occasionally get something wrong.

Self-trust begins with self-honesty. Before we can trust our decisions, we need to be willing to acknowledge what is actually happening. Sometimes that means admitting that something isn't working. These truths can be uncomfortable because they often challenge the story we would prefer to tell ourselves. For many they choose to rely on avoidance to manage these uncomfortable feelings. However, if you truly want to build confidence it is necessary to learn the skills to not avoid and push through the discomfort.

Self-honesty does not mean being harsh with yourself. In fact, the opposite is usually more helpful. The goal is to replace judgment with curiosity: Prior blogs have discussed the importance of assessing not judging, the learning mindset, and focusing on process versus outcome. Even in uncomfortable situations, honesty gives us accurate information. Without it, we are making decisions based on a distorted version of ourselves and our circumstances. How can we expect growth and increased likelihood of success when our reality is distorted to begin with?

If self-trust is so valuable, why don't we simply do it or what makes it so difficult? As human beings we are wired to seek safety, approval, and certainty. We naturally pay attention to what other people think. We compare ourselves to others. We remember our mistakes. We worry about being judged. And when the consequences of a decision feel significant, we often want someone else to tell us that we are making the “right” choice.

Previous experiences can make this even harder. Someone who has repeatedly been criticized may learn to distrust their own judgment. They have internalized a negative mindset and respond accordingly. By being honest with ourselves, we can break this cycle, and begin to trust that we have the skills to succeed, and in turn internalize a new self view.

There is a difference between healthy reflection and unhealthy self-doubt. Healthy reflection asks: “What can I learn from this?” Unhealthy self-doubt asks: “What is wrong with me?”Healthy reflection can improve future decisions. Excessive self-doubt can keep us stuck. The goal isn't to eliminate doubt. Some doubt is useful. The goal is to learn how to experience doubt without automatically surrendering our judgment to it.

We can see how important it is to build self- trust to be more psychologically healthy and confidence. It sounds easy, but how is it done? Below are five ways to build self trust.

1.      Tell Yourself the Truth Before Asking Everyone Else

One of the simplest ways to strengthen self-trust is to pause before immediately seeking outside opinions. Before asking a friend, parent, coach, teacher, partner, or professional what you should do, ask yourself: “If nobody else had an opinion about this, what would I think?” This doesn't mean ignoring other people's perspectives. Good decisions often require information and feedback from others.

The important distinction is whether you are seeking information or seeking permission to trust yourself. Other people's opinions can inform your decision. They shouldn't automatically replace your decision. Use their opinions to help yourself think critically, but prioritize yourself over others

2.      Separate Feelings From Facts—Without Ignoring Either

Self-trust doesn't mean treating every feeling as a fact. Feeling like you are going to fail doesn't mean you will fail. Feeling like everyone is judging you doesn't mean everyone is judging you. Feeling like you aren't good enough doesn't mean you aren't good enough.

At the same time, feelings contain information. Ignoring them completely isn't healthy either. Try asking two questions: “What am I feeling?” and “What evidence do I have to support or counter that emotion?” Learning to distinguish feelings from conclusions allows us to respect our emotions without allowing them to make every decision for us.

3.      Keep Small Promises to Yourself

Self-trust develops through experience. If you repeatedly tell yourself you're going to do something and don't follow through, your confidence in yourself can gradually erode. The solution isn't necessarily to make bigger promises. Start with smaller, more realistic, reasonable and achievable goals.

If you make a mistake, don't turn it into a character judgment. Learn from it and make the next promise realistic. Over time, these experiences create something powerful: “I can count on myself.” Self-trust isn't built through one dramatic act of confidence. It is built through hundreds of small experiences in which you demonstrate to yourself that your words and actions can align.

4.      Learn to Make Decisions Without Requiring Certainty

One of the biggest obstacles to self-trust is the belief that we need to know a decision is correct before we make it. Most meaningful decisions involve uncertainty. We have to accept this fact. There is no way to ever know what is going to happen until it does. We have to remind ourselves some uncertainty is okay, we have the skills to adapt, and it is time to go with it.   A useful question isn't: “How do I know this is definitely the right decision?” Instead ask: “Based on what I know right now, is this a reasonable decision for me?” That shift is important.

Self-trust means accepting that you cannot control every outcome. You can control how thoughtfully you evaluate the situation, how honestly you assess yourself, and whether your decision reflects your values and priorities. Sometimes the best decision isn't the one that guarantees success. It is the one you can stand behind given the information you have.

5.      Evaluate Yourself by Your Process, Not Just Your Outcome

Perhaps the most important step is learning to separate outcome from decision quality. A good decision can produce a bad outcome. A poor decision can occasionally produce a good outcome. If we judge every decision solely by its outcome, we can accidentally teach ourselves to distrust good judgment.

Instead, ask:

• Did I have enough information?

• Was I honest about what I knew and didn't know?

• Did I consider the likely consequences?

• Did I act according to my values?

• Did I listen to appropriate feedback?

• Did I learn something from the experience?

If the answer is yes, then even an imperfect outcome doesn't necessarily mean you made a bad decision. Performance matters. But performance is not the same thing as personal worth, and an outcome is not always an accurate measure of decision quality. Process is what should be the focus when evaluating performance.

Summary

In this blog we have discussed the importance of self trust and honesty with ourselves. These are skills that can be learned, but involve self-reflection, rehearsal, and a continued desire to grow as a person. The goal isn't to never doubt yourself.  Self-trust isn't the absence of uncertainty. It isn’t ignoring other people. It isn't confidence that you will always succeed. It isn't believing you are always right.

Self-trust is the belief that you can handle yourself—even when things don't go exactly as planned. You can be honest with yourself. You can listen to your emotions without being controlled by them. You can consider feedback without surrendering your judgment.

You can make imperfect decisions. You can learn from mistakes. And you can change course when new information tells you that you should.  Because ultimately, confidence isn't just saying, “I know I'll get this right.”Sometimes it is being able to say: “I trust myself to figure it out.”

When you are ready Peak Mental Performance Coaching is ready to help you succeed in this goal.